You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
