Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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