Apparently you make a good broom.
I puked a lego.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We're too hungover to prance.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
