I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
