I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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