The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
