Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
