dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
