I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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