My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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