it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
