i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
