you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
