Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
