I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
