Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
