Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
