how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
