my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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