she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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