im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
