Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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