Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
