She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
