yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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