So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
