I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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