my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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