i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
