so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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