Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
