got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
