Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
