Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
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That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
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So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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