my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
