What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
