Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
