conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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