Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
