just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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