mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
