Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My vagina just clenched in fear
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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