Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
