I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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