we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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