The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?