I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
