There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
