I heard we made out
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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