she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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