the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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