I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
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