I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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