I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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