This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
