wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
