So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
