About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
