I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
