i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize
